Emotions Like A Channel Flipper

No one said it would be easy. And I knew they were right.  But most were just saying it to say something to me because of the awkward moment of the conversation, right?  It's the moment when all is silent when they found out my son died.  And then it is a mountain of questions, comments and what they feel are good wishes.

"How did he die, if you don't mind me asking?"  "Did you see him?" "Know he is with God."  "You know you will see him again."  "Every day you get better and better; you will see." "So does this mean you only have 3 kids then?" "I don't even know what to say." "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "And you didn't know he had a heart problem?"  "You didn't catch it?" "Well, at least you luck because he died and you know where he is.  Not like a parent who's kid is kidnapped and you don't know were the kid is!"  "I completely understand. My cousin died before."  "I can relate; my father just died." 

I don't mind people asking me how. No, we did not know he had a bad heart as there was no way of knowing.  I do not get better and better every day. And maybe he is with God, but I am pretty sure the best place is to be here with us...those who absolutely love and adore him like no other.  NO I don't have 3 kids, I have 4 and always will.  No, my son not kidnapped and I count my blessings because it looks like he died peacefully.  I know where to find my silver linings in such a horrible situation.  And no, my son dying is NOTHING like your cousin, nephew, father, mother, grandparent, niece, or any other person. 

Losing your child is a unique loss all together.  I made him, he grew inside of me for 9 months.  I was his everything.  I raised him, cared for him, taught him.  My goodness I am so in love with him. No, its not the same as losing anyone else. And you can't convince me otherwise. 

As a matter of fact, no two people who walk this journey have the same journey.  It is different for every single one of us. We are all lost, hurting like no other. But yet all the same.

My emotions lately have been changing and all over the place.  It reminds me of flipping through channels on the tv.  One moment I happy, the angry he's gone, then completely numb, then just a flood of tears which burn my so dried out eyes.

I am walking this journey alone.  I am alone. I am strong, but my kryptonite is the death of one of my beautiful babies.  And it's killing slowly.