Every moment of every day, I think of Harrison. Not a thing goes by that doesn’t bring him to my thoughts. Every moment of every day, my heart is breaking for him. Not a second goes by that doesn’t kill my very being without him.
That said, it amazes me how society expects me to not show these emotions on the outside of me. I cannot believe I am expected to “move on” and live without any sign of sadness, grief or the reality of living the horror of having a dead child.
Not only must I be strong enough to live without my son; to continue providing for my living children; to portray a strong, survivor life for my living children; to just live. But I am expected to not make others uncomfortable with my grief. I am expected to smile, be happy and be positive around others.
I am also expected to be happy, positive and amazing in the privacy of my own home for my living children. I am told I need to “move on” and “be there” for my living children.
These are expectations come from people who do NOT have a dead child. They come from people who do NOT have to spend birthdays, holidays and regular days at a cemetery. They come from people who do NOT live every moment of every day WITHOUT a child.
Let me let you in on something: I probably appreciate life more than someone who does not have a dead child. I am thankful for just my eyes opening every morning, my children’s eyes opening every day. I appreciate and am thankful for every moment of every day. I cherish and remember any time I spend with my living children, regardless of what we are doing. Every moment is a beautiful memory.
I could go on for all I am grateful, thankful and appreciative of in life. I know I notice so much more out of life than most people. I look for the positive in every situation in life. Yes, even Harrison’s death had something positive. And my girls are the same way.
Just because you see me cry, tear up, leave the room or anything showing my heart breaking due to my child’s death, don’t assume I am not coping. Don’t become uncomfortable. Be thankful if your children are all living. Be aware I am appropriately coping with the death of my son. And be happy for me for having so much love for my children.