Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Eve of My Most Hated Month

I sit here, in bed, on the eve of the month I hate the most: March.  Why?  Its the month death stole my precious son!

It's amazing how our emotions can change based on something so simply as a day.  Think about when you were a child and you counted down the days until your birthday.  The excitement of knowing you would have presents and cake; knowing the day was to be all about you.  And don't even get me started on Christmas. 

When your expecting a child, the milestone days of first heartbeat or the first ultrasound.  Even the thrill you feel when your about to announce it loved ones.  Sometimes I could hardly contain myself and would just blurt it out too quickly.  I am sure some of you have done the same thing too. 

After you children come along, you can't wait to see their faces on special days.  Can't wait for it. The point is, our feelings get tied up in days and usually it is the happiness of a good day.  But I never imagined dreading not only a day, but an entire month.

Harrison died March 30, 2014.  I HATE that day.  I HATE March 30 forever.  The second worst day is March 31, 2014. For it is the first day in my life I spent a whole day with my son dead forever. Its harsh to read those few sentences, right? Hard for me.  So understandable why I would hate those two days; why I would dread those days.  But why the whole month?

Because I feel I was cheated out of time not spent with Harrison during the month of March.  But also, some of the best memories with Harrison during the month of March. It brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart when I think of the things I remember during those last few weeks with him and his siblings.  And even more joy when I remember our special time alone, which is a rarity in a house with 4 kids. 

As beautiful as my good memories of March 2014 are, they are not enough to override the torturous memory of seeing my son on March 30, 2014.  So tonight, an hour from the worst month of the year, I am full of anxiety, anger, confusion, numbness, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, pain...
I am a mother without her child and it's just wrong.  And the entire month of March reminds me of this more than any other time of the year EXCEPT for November 13.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

All Who Left

For me, there is this weird connection between Harrison's death and the end of other relationships at the same time.  It was like many things I cared about came to an end.  One I cannot get back; the other I cannot get back either.

Harrison is gone. I know that. I am reminded of this every aching moment of my life.  There is not a single instant that goes by.  Even when I am happy, I think "He'd love this." 

We recently acquired two new English bulldogs.  See the summer before Harrison died, I bought my boys an English bulldog, Cayenne.  It was theirs to keep up with, but all of ours to love.  And boy did he!  Everyone did.  And then Harrison died.  It still boggles my mind how my son died before the dog.  Shannon, Harrison's older brother, took up the slack.  And now the dog will be 4 this summer.  He is a great dog.  Does well around others (although those who know him are aware he gets a bit personal).  Does great with little ones.  Cayenne is just great!

So I broke down....actually the kids broke me down....and bought 2 English bulldog puppies.  I know, lots of work  Cayenne is doing fabulous with them.  The kids are quite joyful to have them.  I mean, who couldn't smile and all too much fur puppies really.  Cumin and Basil are their given names.  Yes, spices...don't ask.

But it should all be happy times.  But all I can think of is who is missing: Harrison!  He would have loved this.  He would have been holding them all the time. 
And it leads me to others important people who left me at my lowest time of my life.  Yes, people do that.  And I realized I cry for missing everyone...all of them. Those who are gone and won't ever come back.  And I don't want back those who it was so easy to walk away from me at that time. I don't know why.  But there is this thought if they made me happy before Harrison left, maybe they could after.  I know it is wrong.  And I know it is not true.  But my heart is begging my brain to please TRY ANYTHING to fix it!! ANYTHING!!  I can't explain it. Help me. 
But I do want back my son. He would want to be back. To comfort me, remind me what's important, and who's not.  And give me that hug I so incredible need right now. 
I love the puppies........

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Emotions Like A Channel Flipper

No one said it would be easy. And I knew they were right.  But most were just saying it to say something to me because of the awkward moment of the conversation, right?  It's the moment when all is silent when they found out my son died.  And then it is a mountain of questions, comments and what they feel are good wishes.

"How did he die, if you don't mind me asking?"  "Did you see him?" "Know he is with God."  "You know you will see him again."  "Every day you get better and better; you will see." "So does this mean you only have 3 kids then?" "I don't even know what to say." "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "And you didn't know he had a heart problem?"  "You didn't catch it?" "Well, at least you luck because he died and you know where he is.  Not like a parent who's kid is kidnapped and you don't know were the kid is!"  "I completely understand. My cousin died before."  "I can relate; my father just died." 

I don't mind people asking me how. No, we did not know he had a bad heart as there was no way of knowing.  I do not get better and better every day. And maybe he is with God, but I am pretty sure the best place is to be here with us...those who absolutely love and adore him like no other.  NO I don't have 3 kids, I have 4 and always will.  No, my son not kidnapped and I count my blessings because it looks like he died peacefully.  I know where to find my silver linings in such a horrible situation.  And no, my son dying is NOTHING like your cousin, nephew, father, mother, grandparent, niece, or any other person. 

Losing your child is a unique loss all together.  I made him, he grew inside of me for 9 months.  I was his everything.  I raised him, cared for him, taught him.  My goodness I am so in love with him. No, its not the same as losing anyone else. And you can't convince me otherwise. 

As a matter of fact, no two people who walk this journey have the same journey.  It is different for every single one of us. We are all lost, hurting like no other. But yet all the same.

My emotions lately have been changing and all over the place.  It reminds me of flipping through channels on the tv.  One moment I happy, the angry he's gone, then completely numb, then just a flood of tears which burn my so dried out eyes.

I am walking this journey alone.  I am alone. I am strong, but my kryptonite is the death of one of my beautiful babies.  And it's killing slowly.