All Who Left

For me, there is this weird connection between Harrison's death and the end of other relationships at the same time.  It was like many things I cared about came to an end.  One I cannot get back; the other I cannot get back either.

Harrison is gone. I know that. I am reminded of this every aching moment of my life.  There is not a single instant that goes by.  Even when I am happy, I think "He'd love this." 

We recently acquired two new English bulldogs.  See the summer before Harrison died, I bought my boys an English bulldog, Cayenne.  It was theirs to keep up with, but all of ours to love.  And boy did he!  Everyone did.  And then Harrison died.  It still boggles my mind how my son died before the dog.  Shannon, Harrison's older brother, took up the slack.  And now the dog will be 4 this summer.  He is a great dog.  Does well around others (although those who know him are aware he gets a bit personal).  Does great with little ones.  Cayenne is just great!

So I broke down....actually the kids broke me down....and bought 2 English bulldog puppies.  I know, lots of work  Cayenne is doing fabulous with them.  The kids are quite joyful to have them.  I mean, who couldn't smile and all too much fur puppies really.  Cumin and Basil are their given names.  Yes, spices...don't ask.

 

 

 

 

But it should all be happy times.  But all I can think of is who is missing: Harrison!  He would have loved this.  He would have been holding them all the time. 

 

And it leads me to others important people who left me at my lowest time of my life.  Yes, people do that.  And I realized I cry for missing everyone...all of them. Those who are gone and won't ever come back.  And I don't want back those who it was so easy to walk away from me at that time. I don't know why.  But there is this thought if they made me happy before Harrison left, maybe they could after.  I know it is wrong.  And I know it is not true.  But my heart is begging my brain to please TRY ANYTHING to fix it!! ANYTHING!!  I can't explain it. Help me. 

 

But I do want back my son. He would want to be back. To comfort me, remind me what's important, and who's not.  And give me that hug I so incredible need right now. 

 

I love the puppies........