Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Eve of My Most Hated Month

I sit here, in bed, on the eve of the month I hate the most: March.  Why?  Its the month death stole my precious son!

It's amazing how our emotions can change based on something so simply as a day.  Think about when you were a child and you counted down the days until your birthday.  The excitement of knowing you would have presents and cake; knowing the day was to be all about you.  And don't even get me started on Christmas. 

When your expecting a child, the milestone days of first heartbeat or the first ultrasound.  Even the thrill you feel when your about to announce it loved ones.  Sometimes I could hardly contain myself and would just blurt it out too quickly.  I am sure some of you have done the same thing too. 

After you children come along, you can't wait to see their faces on special days.  Can't wait for it. The point is, our feelings get tied up in days and usually it is the happiness of a good day.  But I never imagined dreading not only a day, but an entire month.

Harrison died March 30, 2014.  I HATE that day.  I HATE March 30 forever.  The second worst day is March 31, 2014. For it is the first day in my life I spent a whole day with my son dead forever. Its harsh to read those few sentences, right? Hard for me.  So understandable why I would hate those two days; why I would dread those days.  But why the whole month?

Because I feel I was cheated out of time not spent with Harrison during the month of March.  But also, some of the best memories with Harrison during the month of March. It brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart when I think of the things I remember during those last few weeks with him and his siblings.  And even more joy when I remember our special time alone, which is a rarity in a house with 4 kids. 

As beautiful as my good memories of March 2014 are, they are not enough to override the torturous memory of seeing my son on March 30, 2014.  So tonight, an hour from the worst month of the year, I am full of anxiety, anger, confusion, numbness, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, pain...
I am a mother without her child and it's just wrong.  And the entire month of March reminds me of this more than any other time of the year EXCEPT for November 13.

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