Sticky, Gooey Love

I never thought I'd be where I am right now.  Who does?  Life surprises us, jilts us, keeps us on our toes, and every other saying you could think of.  So I never thought I'd be here.  Where is here? Now what?

Here I am, 43, a mother of 4, mother in law and step grandmother. It is amazing how life goes; how life proceeds.  What did I think life would be? Where did I think I would be?  I am full of questions.

I am a mom, which I find to be the greatest gift, job and learning experience I could ever ask for.  Four beautiful children, each one different in their own ways. It reminds me of the end of The Breakfast Club, how one's a jock, one's a prom queen, and so on.  How could I even put in one word my thought about each child.

I know I have one I would simply refer to as "the gentleman." I stand in awe when it comes to his passion, compassion and coolness.  Relaxed and gentle just at the right times. When you hold your infant for the first few weeks, and wonder all the things your child will do and be...flash forward to today, over 20 years later.  And he is better than I wondered, imagined, hoped for in life.  And handsome, so handsome, but smart and witty as well.

My "wise, old soul."  Ah, just his presence felt majestic to me.  He could command a room simply by walking into it.  The gift of wisdom and the ability to converse with anyone about anything I admire in life.  Never afraid of speaking his mind and his truths.  And within, a compassionate, understanding soul which will never leave my heart.  To big to go under the radar.

The beautiful "queen bee."  Such a joyous time learning the ways of raising and loving a daughter.  The beauty in her eyes, her smile, can melt any heart in a matter of moments.  Such poise and grace seen from simply sitting and sharing a cup of tea, to the times when she is standing for battle on the field.  Her kindness makes her beauty all the more evident.  The beauty cannot be denied, and it is enhanced by her love for those who matter most.

My biggest surprise and "California princess" never ceases to amaze me in life. Those gorgeous, hazel eyes with hints of brown, looking into my heart to find the perfect words to say.  The fireball she is explodes wisdom and curiosity. But just as easily, calms to provide a soothing hug, overflowing with love. She never fails to amaze me with her smarts and kindness.  And her keen attention to detail for loving us.

I never expected to be here, 43, mother still madly in love with her children.  I felt selfish and self absorbed in my younger years.  And now I would give my everything, my all, just to see them smile.  Just to see their eyes light up. To hear a laughter from love so sweet, it feels sticky and gooey.  

That's what being a mother means to me.  A constant surrounding of dripping, fluffy, sticky, gooey love between me and my angels.  Love never ending, with arms strong and large enough to hug us all, even during out hardest times.  Our strength and love are challenged. But our love seems to always prevail!

Getting Over It

Everyone grieves in different stages, at different times.  Some longer than others.  But I am growing weary of those who want me to be completely done with my grief.  I cannot. I will not.  And I won't allow anyone bully me around it, either.

Think about what you are asking me to do when you say, "Get over it!"  Or "Enough already!"  How could one ever request a mother to get over the loss of a child?  Get over putting a child they've carried for 9 months into the ground? Get over never touching, seeing, holding, hugging their flesh and blood?  Get over the most horrid nightmare a parent has?  How does one ask that of a mother?

I cannot get over it.  My grief will live for as long as I am alive. It's not about getting over it as much as it is about learning to live life with it.  I'll be the first to admit it is the most difficult thing I've done...am doing. I am not a role model of how to deal with the loss of a child and I don't claim to be.  But I am not the worst person either.  I am tired of being judged and bullied for my grief and depression.  I assure you all I am doing the best I can.

I find strength in love. Love from my children and family.  And there is still so much work to do.  I haven't accepted the fact my loving son is not with me.  It kills me to this day.  It is a thought that never leaves me...ever

I ask for a bit of understanding as a tear rolls down my face, or when you hear a sniffle.  Just a hug or two, or maybe a "It's ok to cry."  Not made to feel I am a horrible person because I do cry in public or have horrible grieving days.  I am human and a mom.  A mom on a terrible journey. I am learning I am not alone. But if you are a by-stander, please have a little sympathy.

Eve of My Most Hated Month

I sit here, in bed, on the eve of the month I hate the most: March.  Why?  Its the month death stole my precious son!

It's amazing how our emotions can change based on something so simply as a day.  Think about when you were a child and you counted down the days until your birthday.  The excitement of knowing you would have presents and cake; knowing the day was to be all about you.  And don't even get me started on Christmas. 

When your expecting a child, the milestone days of first heartbeat or the first ultrasound.  Even the thrill you feel when your about to announce it loved ones.  Sometimes I could hardly contain myself and would just blurt it out too quickly.  I am sure some of you have done the same thing too. 

After you children come along, you can't wait to see their faces on special days.  Can't wait for it. The point is, our feelings get tied up in days and usually it is the happiness of a good day.  But I never imagined dreading not only a day, but an entire month.

Harrison died March 30, 2014.  I HATE that day.  I HATE March 30 forever.  The second worst day is March 31, 2014. For it is the first day in my life I spent a whole day with my son dead forever. Its harsh to read those few sentences, right? Hard for me.  So understandable why I would hate those two days; why I would dread those days.  But why the whole month?

Because I feel I was cheated out of time not spent with Harrison during the month of March.  But also, some of the best memories with Harrison during the month of March. It brings a smile to my face and warmth to my heart when I think of the things I remember during those last few weeks with him and his siblings.  And even more joy when I remember our special time alone, which is a rarity in a house with 4 kids. 

As beautiful as my good memories of March 2014 are, they are not enough to override the torturous memory of seeing my son on March 30, 2014.  So tonight, an hour from the worst month of the year, I am full of anxiety, anger, confusion, numbness, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, pain...
I am a mother without her child and it's just wrong.  And the entire month of March reminds me of this more than any other time of the year EXCEPT for November 13.

All Who Left

For me, there is this weird connection between Harrison's death and the end of other relationships at the same time.  It was like many things I cared about came to an end.  One I cannot get back; the other I cannot get back either.

Harrison is gone. I know that. I am reminded of this every aching moment of my life.  There is not a single instant that goes by.  Even when I am happy, I think "He'd love this." 

We recently acquired two new English bulldogs.  See the summer before Harrison died, I bought my boys an English bulldog, Cayenne.  It was theirs to keep up with, but all of ours to love.  And boy did he!  Everyone did.  And then Harrison died.  It still boggles my mind how my son died before the dog.  Shannon, Harrison's older brother, took up the slack.  And now the dog will be 4 this summer.  He is a great dog.  Does well around others (although those who know him are aware he gets a bit personal).  Does great with little ones.  Cayenne is just great!

So I broke down....actually the kids broke me down....and bought 2 English bulldog puppies.  I know, lots of work  Cayenne is doing fabulous with them.  The kids are quite joyful to have them.  I mean, who couldn't smile and all too much fur puppies really.  Cumin and Basil are their given names.  Yes, spices...don't ask.

 

 

 

 

But it should all be happy times.  But all I can think of is who is missing: Harrison!  He would have loved this.  He would have been holding them all the time. 

 

And it leads me to others important people who left me at my lowest time of my life.  Yes, people do that.  And I realized I cry for missing everyone...all of them. Those who are gone and won't ever come back.  And I don't want back those who it was so easy to walk away from me at that time. I don't know why.  But there is this thought if they made me happy before Harrison left, maybe they could after.  I know it is wrong.  And I know it is not true.  But my heart is begging my brain to please TRY ANYTHING to fix it!! ANYTHING!!  I can't explain it. Help me. 

 

But I do want back my son. He would want to be back. To comfort me, remind me what's important, and who's not.  And give me that hug I so incredible need right now. 

 

I love the puppies........

 



Emotions Like A Channel Flipper

No one said it would be easy. And I knew they were right.  But most were just saying it to say something to me because of the awkward moment of the conversation, right?  It's the moment when all is silent when they found out my son died.  And then it is a mountain of questions, comments and what they feel are good wishes.

"How did he die, if you don't mind me asking?"  "Did you see him?" "Know he is with God."  "You know you will see him again."  "Every day you get better and better; you will see." "So does this mean you only have 3 kids then?" "I don't even know what to say." "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." "And you didn't know he had a heart problem?"  "You didn't catch it?" "Well, at least you luck because he died and you know where he is.  Not like a parent who's kid is kidnapped and you don't know were the kid is!"  "I completely understand. My cousin died before."  "I can relate; my father just died." 

I don't mind people asking me how. No, we did not know he had a bad heart as there was no way of knowing.  I do not get better and better every day. And maybe he is with God, but I am pretty sure the best place is to be here with us...those who absolutely love and adore him like no other.  NO I don't have 3 kids, I have 4 and always will.  No, my son not kidnapped and I count my blessings because it looks like he died peacefully.  I know where to find my silver linings in such a horrible situation.  And no, my son dying is NOTHING like your cousin, nephew, father, mother, grandparent, niece, or any other person. 

Losing your child is a unique loss all together.  I made him, he grew inside of me for 9 months.  I was his everything.  I raised him, cared for him, taught him.  My goodness I am so in love with him. No, its not the same as losing anyone else. And you can't convince me otherwise. 

As a matter of fact, no two people who walk this journey have the same journey.  It is different for every single one of us. We are all lost, hurting like no other. But yet all the same.

My emotions lately have been changing and all over the place.  It reminds me of flipping through channels on the tv.  One moment I happy, the angry he's gone, then completely numb, then just a flood of tears which burn my so dried out eyes.

I am walking this journey alone.  I am alone. I am strong, but my kryptonite is the death of one of my beautiful babies.  And it's killing slowly.

Alone Time

Being a mother of 4, there is rarely time alone with one child.  Yes, there are some moments such as doctor appointments or occasional trip for shoes. But true quality alone time...rare for us. 

I love the way my kids crave alone time with me. My heart smiles when they finally get some time and talk my ear off. Of course, the boys got less time as they became older. 

Right now I am realizing all the alone time I should have been sharing with Harrison in the last few months. I feel the pain of missing out.  It feels unfair. Out of the four, he was the least demanding of my time, knowing the others needed me more.  He craved time with me as well, but was not selfish with my time.  But was this supposed to be when it all was made up to him? All that missed time returned to us?

I feel him here with me all the time. I believe in angels and spirits. I know I'm alone with him right now.  That this is our time and the only alone time I will have with him.  I wish I could hear him talk my ear off, complain about something, teach me some military fact...anything! I need only a couple of moments alone with him...

Treasure those alone moments. Make the time for those moments.

Milestone Missed...

Life continues on for us all but more for those who haven't lost a child.  In my world, there is a definitely a stop point; a moment where the world ceased to continue to turn. Of course, its when Harrison died.  His life stopped and so did all that involves him.  The celebrations, loves, disappointments, accomplishments, heartaches...all of it. 

Don't misunderstand, my world and the world of my remaining children continue, but it is possible for that one part of it to stop.  It seems empty and cold in that part of my heart and soul.  All the lost moments which will never take place.  I grasp for the hopes he didn't miss out on much.

I'm rambling on.  Today is the day Harrison would be graduating high school. Class of 2015.  Fellow classmates he went to school with since Kindergarten will walk on that stage and receive a diploma, reach that milestone in life.  Parents will smile and cry with pride and joy.  There will be kids hugging, smiling and crying after as they reality of the end of high school hits them while wearing their caps and gowns. 

A cap and gown Harrison will never have come to wear. A sense of accomplishment he will never feel. Another milestone he will not reach. 

A parent marks their children's lives with these milestones; a parent who has buried marks their death with these milestones missed.  This is the way it will play out for today.  I am honored to attend the graduation of Royal High Class of 2015 and watch those classmates graduate.  I am strong enough to be there and see it done.  I am able to live through it even with a broken heart!